My cat gives me a boner
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Let's get the cat blown out
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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