Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
