I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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