i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
