It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
