Walk of Shame. In a state park.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
