I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
