He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
