When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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