Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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