There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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