You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
nutella sex= disaster
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
