Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
