The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
