no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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