remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
