Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
