mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
