I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
