My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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