i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
