Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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