eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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