dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
