she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
This house was built for laser tag.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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