I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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