there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
