when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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