i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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