Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
