Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
