I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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