listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
