i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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