i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
