I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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