They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
