Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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