yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
