Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
