I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
