Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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