I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
