I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
