After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
