Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
