$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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