I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
