Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
