I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
